you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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