The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
