Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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