Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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