You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
