I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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