There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
