He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
