ya dads aren't the best wingmen
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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