i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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