why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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