did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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