when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
