You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
