If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
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All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
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Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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