Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
