I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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