Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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