I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
