Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
