Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
