i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
