Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
