If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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