At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
