You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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