i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
