just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
