Already got asked if we're dating
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
