WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
