guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
FUCK WHALES
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