I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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