i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
