Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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