wrigley field is MILF paradise
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
COCAINE IS GR8
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