I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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