i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
