you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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