So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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