Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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