I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
you had me at cake vodka
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Randomize
