I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
