I just pynch a tree in the face
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
