i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
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I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
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Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
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