I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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