Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
When are your genitals available?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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