I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
