So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Randomize
