You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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