I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
