So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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