dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
