I think I won the penis lottery.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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