i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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