You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
