I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I have feelings that need drinking.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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