areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
