we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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