I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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